Jitters

Hey Hi Hello !

First blog post after two months,how wicked is my ability to resist blogging temptations? Wicked enough ! Has everyone missed me? I know there are a few faithful followers of mine,don't I have a fanbase?! Maybe not but it isn't wrong for a girl to dream,si? I may have SPM and the loss of my mojo to blame for my hiatus. It was as if the wheels on my brain were turning,yearning to tell the whole world about my not-so interesting life,ho-hum routines as far as I know but then once I loggin Blogger,this white space just stared at me and vice versa until I just gave up. Quite close to deleting my blog but I don't have the heart to do so,I love reading my previous posts,as melodramatic and cliche' and just plain boring,if you must,as they were. Since I don't keep a diary,why the hell not yeah? I wish I did though but I stopped after the umpteenth time of buying a diary just because it had a pretty cover. Besides,I only wrote on the first page and left it to collect dust in a corner.

I'm hoping December will be good to me. So far,so good. I've been alone on most days,spending an insane amount of time in my pajamas and only moving a muscle if the task is worth getting up for. You could say SPM's aftermath is sorta like solitary confinement for me. Honestly,I'm not complaining (eventhough I do so on Twitter like,everytime?). I do massive thinking when I'm alone and if you were wondering what my thoughts were about,well then,keep on wondering. Can I talk about November? Hold up,it's my blog so I can and I shall ! Pardon me if I sound melodramatic but November was bittersweet,beyond words. A quarter of my life changed in a millisecond in more ways than one. Everything seemed perfect and although that's a pretty tough word to mess around with,I swear it's true. Then again,good things must always come to an end ; I just wished it didn't have to end so abruptly for me. I turned seventeen a month ago and it was by far the best birthday I've had so far. I am in love with celebratory text messages and phone calls ! I finished my SPM,finally ! I'm still working on my license though hahahaha (y)

Brace yourselves for this but the voice in my head constantly reminds me that I loved most unexpectedly at one point of time in the past few months. Excuse me but where's the justice in the law of attraction?! How can you push aside this adrenalin rush courtesy of your feelings for someone? How can you pretend as if nothing ever happened? As if all the cryptic messages,the subtle hints,the inside jokes,meant absolutely nothing? And it only makes it worse when I wonder if I loved in vain. This will bug me to no end,just so you know. To put in the simplest of terms,I miss the butterflies I used to get at the mere mention of your name. Then again,I still do,I just don't talk about it like the way I used to. You still occupy my thoughts. As cliche' and overrated as this may seem like,you couldn't even find a mere trace of frowns during that period of time. Nada,zip,zero. Pretty much content with my life then,not so much now but hey,I'll learn to handle it. Easy come,easy go. I don't have any right to stop you from doing whatever it is you want to,si? Although I'm feeling a gazillion times better than I did before,there'll always be this tiny space reserved just for you. I pinky promised.

Not exactly my idea of a post-hiatus entry but I just had to get this weight off my shoulders. I swear it'll be less,deep,the next time around. It's two in the morning and I think I shall go spend time in my comfort zone ; Under the bedspread,surrounded by pillows and a torchlight. Shall get lost in Cecelia Ahern's imagination and zest for love and life. Ciao,bella.

xx

Adieu

Hold on a sec,let me just get this out of my system.
I can't believe SPM is in three weeks ! 30 days,30 freakin' days.
This is it,four weeks,ten subjects,twenty-three papers,countless amounts of pens and a whole lot of gelabah-ing as a starting line to my future.
Okay,I thought I'd be all calm and collected up until,say,a week before but I'm freakin' out now.
Head's spinning but I can't afford to be caught up in thoughts of failures or doubt. That doesn't help,it'll just bring out the lazy bum in me. I swear .
I'm doing this for my parents who's paying close to a thousand for my tuition fees and the revision books I've been buying just for the sake of feeling like I'm making an effort -_-' ,for Mr. Koo and Mr. Nathan and Mr. Ramesh and Ms. Anusya,Pn. Noraikha,Pn Histaza,Ustazah S.Roha,Cikgu Sritharan,Pn. Shanthy,Pn. Zalifah,Pn. Nurhana,Pn. Hazlin and Pn. Ooi who have been patient throughout these two years. It's like,guilt avenue if I don't get an A or B or,welll,you get my point.
Then again,I know myself more than anyone else does,and that's why I'm not putting high hopes for straight As. At this rate,it's like trying to stop the apocalypse,impossible. Whatever it is,I can't and won't accept anything lower than a B or C. Why? Because Additional Matematics will be on my slip and I know the furthest I would possibly go is a C . Heh . Dapat 6As,7As pun dah bersyukur gila gila gila lah. When people told me that most of us would start studying last minute for SPM,I thought that was bullshit. Macam,bangang ah bila fikir balik kan?
Tapi tengok lah sekarang,study gila babi nak mampus punya tak ingat dunia a month before SPM. Tu pun kena paksa diri gila babi,gila gila punya paksa ! Boleh lagi baru berapa jam baca buku buat past year question,tutup buku then cakap " Takpe lah,start study esok lah,pape ah"
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?! Bodoh gila,bila results keluar next year teruk baru nak menyesal.
I can't freakin wait for that to start studying my arse off ! Sure there are nights where I sleep late and digest as much information as possible but it gets tiresome because I'm not putting in as much effort as I should be.
I shouldn't even be here now. So as of today,you wont be seeing me for two months until the very last day of SPM,which will be on 9/12/09 . Maybe I'll be on a few days before jugdement day,let out my frustraition and calm my nerves sorta mantra. Kena ada motivasi sikit,kalau tak memang harapan ah kan.Oh and,yeay,mintak restu time. Bestnya.
I know I'm not the nicest person on Earth and I know I've said and done things that have offended many people in many ways but I sincerely apologize for everything I've done.
Keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be in your prayers after this hahaha,so yeah. Pray for me a miracle and all the best to the rest of you who'll be sitting for this wretched exam as well. 29 days to the battle and 51 days to freedom.
Fasten your seatbelts,92s,it's gonna be a rough ride (Y)

You and What Army?

Saturday,17.10.09 - Ana,Bob and Ilya's openhouses

Danial woke me up freakin early because we were supposed to leave around 11 for Sungai Buloh. Slept for another ten minutes,took a shower and got ready. I couldn't decide what to wear and I settled for a black kurung and this green kain saree fabric to go with it. So,as I was rummaging through my bag,I noticed I had a new message from Danial which said Gen was running late so might as well leave at 1140. Penat penat je aku siap awal. So,everyone was supposed to meet up at the Community Hall since Gen,Majid and Firdaus were convoy-ing. Found out that Firdaus (Khidhir,Ann,Bob) left first. Dalam hati dah macam,bestnya naik dengan Gen since tak ramai orang tumpang so takpayah sempit sempit. Sekali Gen sampai,Odeng dah kat front seat and I saw Kamar at the back. Menyemak ah kau hahaha. So,Kamar,Hanie,Danial and I sqeeuzed in the backseat. Gen ada plush toys dalam kereta dia ! We had to wait for Majid and his crew to arrive so Gen parked and went to the toilet while the rest of us stayed in his car. Kesian Odeng,kena Deepavali jokes. Asal tak gerak Batu Caves lah,Penat tak panjat tangga tu lah hahaha banyak lagi aa. There was a wedding going on at the Hall,so there were cars coming in and out. Ada satu family tu park sebelah kereta Gen,then anak dia macam,checked her reflection in the car window and picked her nose !@#$%^&* hahahahahahahaha tak sedar kot ada orang dalam kereta Gen,ni mesti Odeng ni (jangan marah haha) Then finally nampak kereta Majid,Afiqah dapat jugak shotgun,uhmayzing. Rasa macam balik kampung pulak (Y) Stopped by Danial's house sebab mamat tu at first pakai tshirt then tengok orang lain pakai cantik cantik,nak tukar baju,primadonna betul. Sesat sikit masa kat area Sg Buloh tu tapi sampai jugak rumah Ana akhirnya !

Rumah Ana besar gila ! Like,omagad,besar gila ah ! Driveway dia luas gila,boleh muat banyak gila kereta,tak tipu. Majid selambe je park kereta dia kat dalam. Sampai sampai je nampak Faiq/Farihah punya Mummy and dia cakap Ana semua kat backyard. Kamar kept on saying "Ni rumah ke resort ni?!" Nampak pool je,cakap benda sama,every few seconds ah boleh dikatakan dia cakap tu hahaha. Pretty nervous when I saw that the grass was muddy,my 4inch heels dug in really deep hahaha. Jumpa Ana,little hug kiss kiss then makan. Jumpa Khidhir Izzud semuaaaaa. Makan makan then took a tour around Ana's house and lepak dalam bilik dia. Ramai gila sumbat dalam satu bilik. Seriously,I think someone should be recording our every move. Sumpah macam,lawak gila and entertaining as hell and it's all so random and revolves around jokes that are not for the underage hahahahaha padahal kita semua belum legal pun lagi but you get my drift.

Bila hujan dah reda sikit,kita semua gerak rumah Bob sebab rumah dia sama area jugak. This time,naik dengan Firdaus. Ann got shotgun while Bob,Danial,Kide and I were in the back. Kesian Lana dengan Jaa kena sumbat dalam kereta siapa tah. Sebab,there were so many of us and only three cars. Rumah Bob pun coool gilaaa ! Like,so earthy hahaha seriously,dining room dia ada that shutters and it opens to an indoor garden so rasa macam cool ah hahaha. Nervous gila babi kat rumah Bob sebab ada kucing! Hafiz Iddin tak habis habis letak kittens tu dekat dekat,ergh. The boys were preoccupied with the gym and then Firdaus tak habis habis nak buat taichi in the middle of the garden. Nak nangis tengok,all he did was the KRS kawad moves :') Took alot of pictures. Ada satu part tu,semua dah ready nak amik gambar then suddenly Majid (who was bending down) diri and cakap "Jumpa pun !" Kacau gila hahahaha. Balik pun dengan Firdaus but this time Kide,Danial,Ann,Jaa and I pulak. Stuck in a jam and then OMAGAD,Firdaus punya first ________ ! Rasa guilty gila sebab I yang buat dia cuak hahahahaha Sorry bro,sorry sangat sangat,nanti aku belanja kau a night in Chaukit road :( Nasib baik tak serious and _____ tu pun _ (Y)

Dropped Kide and Danial off sebab dorang nak pegi rumah Fikrizal and finally dapat shotgun ! Woohoo,dapat jugak eventho from Kide's house to Ilya's place. Kept on apologizing to Firdaus,once in a lifetime ni *rolls eyes. Sampai rumah Ilya,ada Hilmi and Amie,Xhaff and their friend Naqib. These three literally don't need laughing gas or jokes,gelak je kerja hahaha best ah actually tengok dorang gelak -_-' After they left, the others started arriving like Amir,Eijas,Syak,Flapp,Ilman,Buj,Kide,Ahlami,Firdaus,Irfan tu semua lah. Like I said,macam army. The whole gang concequered the entire living room. Main Wii ! Semangat gila okay,lagi lagi Firdaus bila main boxing. He was literally sweating buckets. Basah gila and melekit,ewww. Played boxing with Firdaus and he won,babi ah,tapi aku bagi kau menang sbb nanti kau macam emo pegi nangis belakang curtain ahahahaha :') Tapi best ah sbb lompat lompat and punched thin air while the others were shouting and jumping up as well. Lagi lagi Afiqah,memang supporter terhebat. Food at Ilya's place was gooood,makan banyak gila sampai sakit perut. Took most photos with Buj,hubby for a day,siap share satu kerusi everywhere we sat hahaha. Omar called somewhere in the night while it was really noisy and Firdaus sikit sikit kipaskan muka and cakap OMG OMG macam bapok. Hahahaha tu memang lawak *tepuk tangan and fist bump*
But since there were so many of us,panas gila okay ! Yang peluh for no reason punya tahap so most of us stood right under the aircond to cool off. Then Majid semua nak karaoke and semua dah macam Cepat Balik Sebelum Hujan Batu hahahahaha (Y) Most of them left around 11 or so and Waa and I decided to sleep over.

Sunday,18.10.09 - Waa's Openhouse (last one for the year)

Woke up the next morning to Waa's face right beside mine hahaha sorry bro,aku memang tidur dekat dekat -_-' and had brunch in One Utama,sent Arissa to Tania's place,went to Pavillion and bought a few things from Cotton On. Ah,the satisfaction. Got ready for Waa's openhouse,the three of us i.e Wa,Ilya and I were in perfect color coordination. Pagi blue/white/brown malam white. And not on purpose,mind you. Mee kari sedap gila,tambah banyak kali. Layan Firdaus sbb,ntah asal,rasa mcam nak buat charity work hahaha. Waa and Ilya were caught redhanded for something I shall not mention but sweet nonetheless :') Got home,changed into an oversized tee,talked to Omar (I guess it's not our secret anymore,is it? haha) and I fell asleep after laughing for a few minutes because I remembered what Firdaus did (OMG OMG)

Just You Wait

I shouldn't be complaining,I should be semi thankful SPM is in a month's time.
There's still time to cover whatever information I can digest. True,I'm definitely dissapointed in myself over the fact that I didn't start earlier but that's not important now.
But as the big day approaches (ceh,macam nak kahwin je), I find myself yearning for the time after those four nerve racking weeks. When I flipped through the timetable,it actually made me want to study even harder. And after the car ride with Ilya,I'm even more determined to get good results to take up law next year. No more second thoughts and I'm ignoring the voices in my head who tell me I should be studying Biomedical Science or whatever.
I'm not going to take something just because it makes me sound professional or that it rakes in more income. I'm not saying law isn't,trust me. My parents are both lawyers and hell,I've heard enough from them to fully secure my decision. Now all I need is these last 31 days.
Thinking of the aftermath of SPM really helps,seriously. You just want to study and get it over with.
Roadtrip exactly a day after the exam,Prom (it's still on by the way,no cancellations whatsoever so stop trying to bring us down),carefree days,driving licenses,Europe,dust off my guitar and start playing again,taking up a new language,rock climbing,amateur futsal with the clan.
The list really does go on and on,I'd carry on for hours but I'll be leaving in a few. I LOVE SATURDAYS !

Thought So

Well,here's a revelation. You know how you happen to think about basically everything when you're wide awake in the middle of the night ? When you're lying down on your bed,staring at the ceiling and all these thoughts come rushing in your mind ? Whether worrying or not?
Just so you know,up until this very moment, I thought I knew how it feels like.
Then again,I had no idea. Not even the slightest.
True,the beginning of this infatuation doesn't deserve a spot in any fairytale.
It started off as a common case of attraction,I'm sure of it. I swear I never saw it coming and it was uncalled for.
As cliche' and overrated this may seem like, it really just happened. Bear with me.
Up until this very moment, I never thought my heart could beat faster and slower at the same time
Up until this very moment, I never thought going a day without listening to that familiar voice would be enough to drive me crazy
Up until this very moment, I never thought how hearing your voice the absolute first thing in the morning would be enough to make my day
Up until this very moment, I never thought I'd ever smile to myself whenever the thought of you came to mind
Up until this very moment, I never thought just the mere fact of not seeing you makes me want you even more
Up until this very moment,I never thought I'd have to stop myself mid sentence because all I ever talk about now,is you
Up until this very moment , I never thought I would actually say this because it's so overrated but it feels as if I've known you much,much longer
Like when you tell me things you swore you've never told anyone before and it makes sense because if I were you,I wouldn't tell anyone else either,absentmindedly makes me fall harder
And if you ask anyone who knows me well enough,they can vouch for me that I've never,ever
felt this way about anyone before
And as much as I hate to admit this,I don't want this to ever stop at a redlight eventhough the real deal hasn't even left the last traffic light. I just want this to go on like an unwinding road in the middle of nowhere.
Normally,I don't like surprises. You,on the other hand,are a definite exception .